Learning to mourn in the real world

I live in Colorado

When in college I lived in the metro area. The theatre in the news is one I have been to. I have watched midnight showings there. I have watched movies of the same genre there.

Today we got a phone call from a friend. “Do you have the news on?” We didn’t. we quickly turned on the news.

Our friend’s coworkers had gone as a group to the movie. We are praying now. We know of some in the hospital. Some we still don’t know.

So… grief.

How do we grieve this?

How do we understand?

Grieving that loss of innocence again. That shock and grief I felt when school shootings became popular. (I shuddered when I typed that but I can’t take it back).

I grew up innocent until one of the first middle class school shootings happened at my brother’s school.

We thought we lived in a safe America until we saw images of terrorist attacks on the news or in person.

This loss of innocence is not okay.

I grieve that again as we grieve the lives of 12 that are over. The 59 who got shot will never be the same. Those who were in the theatre will never forget. All those families.

How do we grieve this? How can we help?

I live in Colorado, we live through fire to die at the movies. God help us figure this out.

Please continue to pray for those who lost there homes in fires.

I love my adopted home state. But oh Colorado what next?


Where am I? Where was I?

Life just went crazy.

that is the summary.

Last week we ended up leaving for the Midwest while the guy was here to finish our carpets (side note the house is now totally move in ready). So I feel like I lost a week. The momentum from moving is gone. Now I just feel surrounded by boxes and half put together furniture. So I am catching up on laundry while hoping boxes will learn to unpack themselves.

The service we went to was nice. Grandma was 91 and had been in severe decline for eight months (we had been called twice to go say our goodbyes and she held on) so there was more celebrating than I am used to at a service. I also met extended family of my husband that I had not met before. But I have a bone to pick. My husband cried at the graveside service. His grandma died. Please let him grieve. And before he had even wiped his tears, a well meaning family member said ” well she is in a better place and not in pain anymore.” SO WHAT! that does not cancel out the pain of losing someone. Besides that my brother-in-law cried at the viewing multiple times and was comforted by this same family member because they know how difficult it is for him to lose someone that he loves that much. I am not denying my BIL the right to grieve, but give my husband that same right. Please?

I am so proud of my man. When we got back he turned on and has been working. That is important, it is a new place and first impressions and all that. I just hope that he can take the time to grieve well. And allows himself to feel pain.

I guess I should get back to the house. When the boxes are put away, I will get back to the goal of this blog really.



Grief today

I was hoping to get though the “up to this point” part of my life before more grief. But grief can’t be planned or put on a schedule. So in middle of unpacking from moving three days ago, before my husband goes in for his first day at his new work location, we get the call his grandma died at 6:15 this morning.
So how do you do this?
To start a new church on the day your grandma dies? And how do I as a wife support my husband?

That is all for now.

life is going way too fast~ Mara

Father’s Day

Today is a day that will always give me pause.

“Father’s Day”

The Sunday after my Dad died was Father’s Day. It was the easiest time for this holiday since his death. I was not yet in total understanding of what it would be to have a day that reminded me every year my Dad was no longer a part of this earthly life. His birthday and day he died are hard days too, but people don’t know those days. No one asks in church “Have you called your dad today?” There is not multiple advertisements reminding me to show love to my Dad. Father’s Day is the hardest. Bummer.

It wasn’t quite as hard when I would go over to my grandpa’s house or when I could call my grandfather. But they have both finished their earthly journeys as well.

I thought this year would be better.

I could focus on husband becoming a father.

But I miscarried…

More pain to add to a “Happy” day.

So as we hug and spoil our cat today, please don’t judge.

It is not our choice not to have children right now.

When you ask “Have I called my dad?” and I awkwardly change the subject or say “Haven’t found the right way.” Don’t judge me.

I won’t judge you.

How about that?

I am praying today for those whose father may have passed on or just taken a pass on raising you. I am praying for those today that have lost children (either before birth or after) so you are a parent but others don’t remember.

I’ll be praying for you, could you pray for me?


Little bit about grief

I was fourteen. It was my brother’s sixteenth birthday party. My dad got home late. He had a doctor’s appointment. He came home with a yellow sticky note. On the note “metastatic melanoma.”

Five months go by.

One surgery. Multiple specialist are called in. Parents travel to the Mayo Clinic. Parents travel to John Hopkins. No help there.

Try alternatives.

Try something.

This isn’t making anything better.

I write my research paper for science class on possible treatment. I don’t find much my parents haven’t tried. They try what I find.

That was five months.

The diagnosis was a death sentence at the time. Four to six months was all you got. Unless a surgery or treatment works. For the short term. Add a month or two. Once the sticky note is written time is ticking.

Five months after that sticky note my dad died.


What is grief to a fourteen year old?

My journey into the depth of grief was beginning.




I am now on facebook; look for Mara Walker.

I am not a huge fan of facebook. It is too easy to hurt someone. It can be a great tool, but words that normally are off limits are okay to say on this medium that is not face to face. It is also way too easy to be passive. Too easy to think you have relationships just because you see someone’s photos or what music they are listening to.

Why am I bashing facebook when I am saying find me? Because I understand it is a part of our culture and a great way to this blog out there.

Also don’t freak out when I just follow stuff and don’t have many friends, this is not my personal account, it is for the business of this blog. I do not have a personal account, I did from mid-college (when facebook was new and college students only) until right after I got married. People began to expect too much of my time to be on facebook. Family members were getting irritated when I didn’t comment on the majority of their posts. It was not healthy for those relationships, my new marriage, or meeting people in my new town. It is hard to have a social life when you can passively watch everyone from the past.

That being said I really do believe that facebook can be good for the promotion of this blog. I will try to respond within a timely manner to things directly posted to me (within two weeks, I only check facebook once a week, so my time must be used wisely). Thank you for understanding.


Blog name

When I was baptized at age eleven, a close family friend gave me a new name. That name was Mara. This  pastor friend explained that the name meant mourning. He said that he believed my life would be blessed with much mourning and I should hold my new name Mara close to my heart.

As an eleven year old this puzzled me… mourning be a blessing? How could that be? I learned. Though the death of family and friends over the years I learned to grieve. I learned to grieve well. I learned how to help others through their grief. I became Mara.

So now as I journey through a new type of grief; I shall write. I am trying to be Mara as I know how. Join me on this journey of becoming who God planned me to be.